May 19th: Robotics Banquet Wasn't Fun and Homework

Today was not good.

Today is the day of the robotics banquet. It was not that good. Christy drove Austin, Matthew and I to there. We went to Don Castro Park. Thanks Christy!

We went there a little earlier to help set up but honestly we didn’t do much set up. We started off with playing Mafia, the social deception game. It was alright.

Afterwards, we ate some food and then we played some Poker. My spot got taken and everyone was huddling around the poker table so I didn’t bother trying.

After poker they played Mafia. I was the narrator for the first turn but then my narration spot got taken and I gave it up, because it seemed that others wanted to do it more than me. There were many people trying to narrate the game, so I felt overcrowded.

I think the other members had a good time at the banquet. Not many others were alone. To the guy sitting next me on the same bench as I write this, thank you.

After mafia was finished they played football. Though I was invited, I felt lonely and I though I seek to be social, at that moment, I felt so isolated I simply wanted to sulk.

At 3PM we left. On the way back we listened to music from the passenger selection. I don't think my music taste was well received.

After that I did my homework. Fortunately, finals for me are AFTER AP exams for my community college classes.

That’s the end of what I did today. The rest of how I feel about life is below. I don’t encourage others to read it, if anyone still happens to read this blog. I put this out there because it is the only way in my life that I express myself. I don’t want to hide it because I seek to be social, I seek to talk to others. I genuinely do. But I don’t want to be a nuisance to others by complaining. People can read this if they want; only if they want.

Am I happy? I don’t think I’m happy. I feel sad, unhappy. What even is happiness? Sounds philosophical. I seek to be with others, I seek community, but my attempts feel futile. I feel I cannot connect with others. Humans are an innately social species. Depression from isolation is natural. 

I am a boring person. But I think I try to be exciting. I think I give a decent effort in putting myself out there. I’m in a decent amount of clubs, I know a bunch of people. I don’t know what else to do though. I feel like I’m not really close with that many people. Am I not giving enough time to be social? How do I become better friends with people? How do I genuinely feel connected with people? I know I’m a boring person, I’m quite sure I exert that personality to others. Hell, this blog is pretty damn boring too. It’s the only thing I do every day.

As summer comes closer I feel scared for it. The weak relationships with people I already have will be waned even more. 

I think I’m a decently nice person. I don’t talk shit, I think I say hi to people when I see them. Am I simply unappealing to the current world? I think I dress alright. I don’t think I’m a bad egg to be around. I keep hygienic too. Yet, it feels like I’m such a social outcast. At every social event I end up alone, wondering to myself, “Why am I lonely?”

I was just brainlessly scrolling on my phone when I heard "People just tolerate me," I forgot the other part, but it really resonated with me. The other part was something about saving lives. The message remains; I feel like people just tolerate me, and they only seek me, they only talk to me, they only communicate with me when they need to. It feels depressing and isolating. It makes me feel like I'm not a good person. It makes me feel like people don't want to be around me. It's as if the only redeeming quality of me is that I spend so much time studying and "getting smart" that people only need me when they need academic, logical help. And honestly, it feels rather true. I didn't have fun with anyone at the banquet today, but on the regular build day I feel that I'm busy talking with people. 

I truly question this. If it’s blatantly obvious, please tell me. I seek feedback when conventions prohibit expressing such opinions about others. Talk shit about me, I honestly encourage it, because it will show me what is wrong with me. I seek to self improve, I truly do.

Did I spend too long alone when I was a wee lad? Did I spend too long playing Minecraft? Why am I like this today?

I don’t think I’m an introverted person. Why else would I seek to be with others so much? I love talking and being with people. I don't want to be just by myself.

Thank you to whoever reads this. Though I know that the population of readers is nonexistent.

Thanks for reading,
Issac